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WOMEN'S & CHILDREN'S | Family Maternity Center | Pregnancy Resource Center | Pregnancy Library | Family Members | Hey, Dad: Picturing yourself as a father
Hey, Dad: Picturing yourself as a father
"What kind of father will I be?" It's a question every expectant father asks himself. In fact, a better question might be, "What kind of father do I want to be?"
Lucky is the man whose memories of childhood include spending lots of time with a supportive, nurturing dad. For those less than thrilled with the kind of fathering they received as a child, the prospect of repeating that pattern can be chilling or highly motivating.
Some men fear that, having been abandoned, neglected or treated harshly by their own father, they're doomed to treat their own children the same way. But just as women can't predict how easy the birth will be based on their own mother's experience, men aren't predestined to replay their own father's style of parenting, good or bad. Your father was just one influence in molding your character and your sense of yourself as a father.
The definition of "good father" varies greatly from culture to culture and generation to generation. You may see your own father as someone distanced from the family, who rarely played with you and seemed to spend all his time at work.
But in his day, being a good father may have meant simply providing the family with a home, food, and education. A "good father" didn't necessarily change a single diaper, and it is likely that he never saw the inside of a delivery room.
Today men are encouraged to take a more active role in raising children, from comforting their partner during labor to taking shifts with the baby at night. It can be a lot of work. But most men find that the rewards, measured in the deeper connections they form with their children, make it all worthwhile.
The birth of a father
Now is a good time to think about the kind of parent you want to be, and how to get there. - Take time to reflect on your relationship with your own father. What made you feel nurtured? What didn't? What kind of social and personal pressures was he operating under? How are those pressures different today? How prepared was your dad to become a father?
- Think about what you like best about the men who have nurtured you over the years. Teachers, coaches, friends, neighbors, and other relatives can all be good role models. Later, when you're frustrated or hindered by a "parenting moment," pause and think, "How would they have handled this?"
- Spend time with other new fathers you admire. Learn by example and osmosis.
- Reach out to other dads in your childbirth class. Consider pulling together a "dad's night out," to share your feelings and experiences.
- Consider the advice of experienced fathers from your own generation: Get involved and stay involved from the start. Support your partner as much as possible. Be patient with your partner, your baby and yourself. Trust your instincts.
- Take parenting classes.
Date last reviewed: October 2002.
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