Hey, Dad: Mixed feelings about the pregnancy? You’re not alone.

Less than a year from now you will be the father of a brand-new baby. You may have a range of emotional responses: thrilled, angry, protective, petrified, or confused.

Needless to say, all these feelings are normal. Many men experience fear and sadness, and there's no question that pregnancy represents the loss of a certain kind of independence and a journey into the unknown. Ambivalence about the pregnancy, which was eagerly anticipated, or a complete surprise, is normal. Some men are surprised to find themselves almost giddy with anticipation.

Becoming a father is a key rite of passage for men. Recognize that your feelings, whatever they are, are normal. Like your pregnant partner, your own feelings may be all over the map at first. As the reality of the pregnancy settles in, most men find that while worries and fears may linger, their primary emotion is a sense of excitement and anticipation.

Fears of expectant fathers

Talking with other men, joining a men's group, or taking part in a class for expectant fathers can address many questions and concerns common to new dads. Among them:

Fear for mother's and baby's health. Sometimes unexpected events can happen, though they rarely do. It's normal to feel some apprehension through labor, birth and the early newborn period.
Fear that your partner will be in pain. Talk to her and find out what she expects and wants. Is she willing to feel pain in exchange for a drug-free birth? Is she hoping for a painless delivery? Get clear on her expectations and desires. Then, find out what options are available to her for pain relief.
Performance anxiety. Many men worry that they'll get queasy, or will faint, or will otherwise fail their partner in some way during the birth itself. It may help to know that, contrary to your fears, rarely do men have trouble of this kind during birth. Be sure to take childbirth preparation classes to help learn what to anticipate.
Security/financial fears. Never mind that many new mothers soon return to paid work and are themselves breadwinners; the pressure to be a "good provider" is deeply embedded in our culture.
Worry about being a good father. It's a brand-new role; how could you not be worried? Your feelings about your own father's fathering may color your fears as well.
The myth of the perfect mother. Remember: all any parent can do is his or her very best at each moment.
Relationship concerns. Many men worry about being replaced by baby as the center of their partner's attention, or being excluded from the intimate mother-baby bond. They worry that their partner won't want to have sex anymore. Maintaining a close, mutually supportive partnership will take plenty of work and patience in the early days with a baby.
Paternity fears. Irrational as it may be, it's quite common for men to wonder, at least fleetingly, if they really are "the father." Psychologists say it may reflect an underlying sense of inadequacy-or simply awe at being a party to the creation of new life.
Facing your mortality. That youthful sense of immortality can evaporate pretty fast when you think about holding your own child in your arms. You're no longer the youngest generation. That's enough to give anyone pause.

Take care of yourself

Choose supportive family and friends to first share your news with.
Browse a bookstore for books on childbirth and parenting, and choose one or two for yourself or ask your doctor or midwife for suggestions.
Make time to reflect on your feelings about becoming a father.
Share your feelings with your partner. Don't be afraid of burdening her. Most women crave this kind of intimate sharing, especially now.
Join your partner at prenatal visits and childbirth classes.
Talk with new fathers about what it was like "being pregnant," being at the birth, and becoming a new father.
If possible, talk with your own father about what it was like for him when you were born.
Reevaluate the routine activities in your pre-fatherhood life. Are there some (say, that weekly poker night) you might be willing to suspend for a while if necessary? Are there others (daily exercise, for example) you hope to maintain but might adjust slightly to meet the family's needs?