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WOMEN'S & CHILDREN'S | Family Maternity Center | Pregnancy Resource Center | Pregnancy Library | Family Members | Hey, Dad: Forming family bonds
Hey, Dad: Forming family bonds
No doubt you've heard about new parents "bonding" with their baby. But exactly what does that mean? What if you don't bond with your baby right away; does that mean you're a bad dad? Meanwhile, you may be even more concerned about the bond with your partner and how it will change with the presence of the baby.
In case you hadn't noticed, much of your life has changed with the arrival of the baby. Your relationship with your partner is sure to change, too, but with some effort on your part it can change for the better. And you will bond with your baby, though maybe not on the timeline or in the ways you expect.
Connecting with baby
Bonding, simply put, is the process of falling in love with your baby. For some new moms and dads it's an instantaneous thing. For many others, the exhaustion and emotional tumult of birth puts bonding on the back burner for a while. Don't worry if you're among those who are slower to connect with the new baby. After all, she's tiny and fragile, communicating without words her distinct needs and wants that you may not, at first, understand.
It's all about time. There's a very clear relationship between the amounts of time parents spend with their new baby and how quickly they bond with him.
Ways to promote bonding:
- Take part in the pregnancy. Go to prenatal visits and childbirth classes. Take steps to stay involved.
- Take the initiative to diaper, bathe, and otherwise do routine baby care right from the start.
- Discuss with your partner your desire to help. New moms sometimes appoint themselves "gatekeeper" and have trouble sharing the load. Assure her you want to learn, and demonstrate your competence by doing.
- Spend time alone with your new baby just rocking her, holding her, or letting her fall asleep on your chest. As you're bonding with her, she's bonding with you.
Reconnecting with your partner
It's easy to get so involved in all the daily tasks of new parenting that you lose sight of the most important task of all: forming a family. It's easy to let this one slide, figuring it will take care of itself. It won't. Make your relationship with your mate a priority.
New moms often feel overwhelmed by the newness and the amount of work required to care for a newborn. New dads often feel left out, even jealous of all the attention now directed to the baby. Communication is the key to getting past these hurdles. What's there to talk about, now and after the birth? For starters:
- Household roles. You may need to make some adjustments.
- Old business. Was this a planned pregnancy or a surprise, and how do you both feel about it now? Are there hurt feelings that haven't been acknowledged? Feelings of awe or gratitude that you haven't shared either?
- Hopes and dreams. What's your vision for your family? What kind of dad or mom does each of you hope to be?
- Balancing work, family, and personal needs. Both of you are working hard, and both of you need down time. Discuss how and when this might occur.
Now, and after the birth:
- Court her anew. Flowers, unexpected phone calls, or a card all go a long way at this time.
- Spend time alone together. If you have help with the baby, take a walk or have a meal away from home each week. If she's not ready to leave the baby, try to carve out a few minutes to be alone together when you're not caring for the baby or doing household tasks.
- Be around. If you're feeling like a third wheel, it's tempting to spend more time away from home. But doing so can fuel a cycle of resentment that's hard to stop. As hard as it is some days, try to spend more time at home, not less.
- Cultivate flexibility and a sense of humor. They will be your greatest allies in the weeks and years ahead.
The best cure for feeling neglected is to focus extra attention on the one you love.
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